Remember what you love about your husband

“Lift with your legs, not with your back!” I hollered to my husband as he drove off down the rode, the truck loaded with our three sons and a mountain of work tools.

He gave a wave from the open window, as the sound of boyish laughter added a living harmony to the melody of U2 pumping out of speakers. “Good thing we don’t have neighbors close by,” I thought as they rambled away noisily. The early morning air stung my nostrils causing my eyes to prick with tears.

 

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My husband is a hard worker. He sees a need and gets it done. Whether the need is chopping down a tree, fixing sprinkler heads, cleaning out the rain gutters of an elderly woman down the road, or heading out the door for an extended business trip, he’s always going – always working. During the years with multiple babies in diapers this was difficult on me. For some reason, needs like baby baths, dishes, and tuck-ins didn’t register as his job, and no matter how I tried to ask for help, he was out the door sweating in the sun or loading up his truck with an overnight bag for another business trip.

These were the days I felt abandoned and abused. Like a victim. Left alone to care for his children.

Our roles have always been clearly defined. Though it’s all rather June Cleaver in a pencil skirt, it actually worked for us… that is until I was outnumbered by three strong-willed children, whose muscular tendencies took after their father. And I felt like the world was against me, my world was against me. I felt like a victim.

“I bring home the bacon, you fry it up.” He liked to joke in his Ward Cleaver way.

Trouble is I can’t seem to manage it like June. I’m still wearing the yoga pants I wore yesterday, slept in last night, and now they’re speckled with grease stains as I stand at the stove frying up the bacon he brought home. Packing lunches, serving orange juice and muffins, laying out math sheets for the homeschooled kid who keeps me busy on school days. And my man’s whistling as he takes a hot shower, shaves, straightens his tie, and slips the laptop into his briefcase. He heads out the door with a, “Love ya, Babe.”

He does love me. He does.

And the truth is, in the quiet spaces of my life, when I’m not torn in multiple directions by multiple little people needing me all at once, I love him too. And I love the way he serves us. Though I often feel alone as I manage the ordinary needs and routines of family life, I really love what he does do. When I manage to step beyond the victim pool I tend to wade in each long day, I know instinctively that I’m attracted to his brand of busy. His sun bronzed arms, testify to the masculine strength that drew me to him in the first place. Our rose garden and lemon orchard always produce, and the boys sleep in the tree fort their daddy built them, back beside the garage that houses their camping gear and the big orange scout that makes us all laugh happy. There’s always music playing when my man’s around, whether he’s listening to Third Day or crooning “Pretty Woman” as he strums the 12 string guitar beside our bed. Though it’s more work for me, I love the way he’s always inviting friends over for a Saturday afternoon bbq, or a dip in the pool after church. And the bills are paid.

His bible is on the coffee table even now as I type this missive of remembrance out. I’m remembering what I love about him. I’m speaking it to my own heart in the quiet of my house this morning – as he takes the boys early to serve a family in need. I’m remembering what is true.

 

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Remembering what is true about our husbands is paramount in keeping the victim mentality in check. They are not perfect. They will not meet all of our needs or heal all of our hurts. But they will be the men we married. They will continue to be who they are, who we fell in love with, and even who they continue growing up and into – the good and the bad – the helpful and the hard – till death do us part.

All of that is true and what I am thinking on today.

I remember sitting in church as a single 20 year old woman. I went by myself most Sundays and sat near the front of the sanctuary. The pastor welcomed the congregation one morning and gave a few announcements, he then acknowledged an older couple in the church who were celebrating their 70th anniversary. Pastor Joel stepped down off of the platform and walked decisively to the frail woman standing just down the pew from where I sat. Her husband stood beside her, a hand resting protectively on her shoulder.

The pastor asked her directly, “Given the longevity of your marriage, what advice do you have for young married people today?”

She smiled and nodded, then said, “When this man here asked me to be his bride I went home and made a list of everything I didn’t like about him.” I laughed. We all did. Then she went on, “I took that list and looked it over good and asked myself, ‘Well, knowing all this is true, do you still want to marry him?’ To which I answered myself, ‘Yes, I do.’ So I folded that list up and put it in an envelope and tucked it away in my underwear drawer. It’s still there, but I’ve never looked at it again. The point is, ladies, every time I find something about this man that I don’t like very much I tell myself that it’s on the list.”

It’s on the list.

There are plenty of things that are much harder than I knew they were going to be. Some of them are big and some of them are small. I thought my man was going to change diapers and get up during the night and help with dishes and rub the midnight growing pains from our sons’ legs. But he doesn’t do any of those things. I also thought he was going to lead me in Bible study before bed each night. He prefers laughing beside me over YouTube videos. I didn’t know. I didn’t know.

But I did know that I loved him. I loved his laugh and his strength and his masculine dreams. I loved his faithful, fierce commitment to friendship and his willingness to serve those in need. I loved his generosity too.

In the midst of it all I’m easily overwhelmed, it’s true. It’s true, it’s true, it’s true! But I also love this man of mine and the life we have together. And every hard thing, I tell myself, is written on that list in my underwear drawer.

 

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We are moving toward the end of our series, “You are not a victim, you’re a mom.” You are welcome to start at the beginning, or sign up here for the upcoming conclusion. This theme has deeply ministered to my own heart as the words have poured through my fingertips. Thank you for letting me know that it’s speaking to you too.

 

 

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14 Comments

  1. Oh this is just beautiful and so very timely for my own life. I love the image and sweetness of tucking away “the list”. Thank you!

    Reply
    • I love that imagery too. And love that we made the choice and sealed the envelope and never have to go back with our woes. We excepted him, all of him, and while there’s learning and growing to be done in some trying seasons, he’s our guy! Yes?!

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  2. Really good read. Thanks for that.

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  3. That story of the elderly couple sounds just like one I read in Keep A Quiet Heart! Great perspective! Thanks for addressing our roles as wives in the midst of the mother series.

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    • Oh wow! I totally need to take a look. Thanks for sharing

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  4. Wow! So on point! My husband is just like this! I love him dearly!!’ Thanks for the great read!

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  5. It’s been eons since I sat on the orange sofa with you, Wendy, but I sure am glad I’m here today. Excellent. My list is covered with 34 years of silk and cotton – haven’t looked at it in a very long while! Love you sweet thing. xo

    Reply
  6. Oh Wendy-_You are such a great writer! I just loved this in so many ways.
    Sharing it on my FB page now. Love you!

    Reply
    • You are so faithful to encourage me with your comments and shares, Monica. I have felt God growing me as a writer this past year, and as His follower. Your kind words affirm it! I admire you greatly. See you in July!?!?! We will be on the island July 20th!

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  7. I have been struggling with this for some time. I agree completely but I am stuck with a husband who doesn’t do anything besides going to work. I am grateful the bills are paid but wish he would take pride in our home instead of letting it get run down. He can always be found at a party or some social event but is blind to our familys needs.

    Reply
    • This is tough stuff. Everyone’s brand of hard is different. My husband hasn’t made himself a sandwich or done dishes in 15 years, other women marry men who are super helpful in the kitchen but have no zest for life at parties… that’s why focusing in on the attributes we fell in love with can help. Bless you and your family.

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  8. I stumbled across your blog for the first time tonight and your words spoke right to me. This is what I needed to hear in this moment. I’m going to write a list and tuck it away. I vowed to love my man as long as we both shall live and I’m certainly not going to let any unmet expectations of carrying the laundry basket upstairs or playing dolls ruin that.

    Reply
    • Great perspective. Thanks for sharing.

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